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Review: Star Wars: Episode II--Attack of the Clones

Review by STARDINGO | 05/16/2002 | 13:21:30 PM PST

The second verse of Anakin?s song is bigger, louder, and bursting with more Jedi goodness?plus, it?s 97% Jar-Jar free!

I liked Episode II. A hell of a lot more than Episode I. Not nearly as much as Episode V. Probably about the same as Episode VI. It?s 97% Jar-Jar free; nothing patently stupid really ever happens the whole way through; stuff that looked dumb in the trailer turns out to be not nearly as bad in the context of the film; and Episode III should be quite a thing to behold. So there, there?s your review. Now get out of here and go see the movie like the good American that you are.

Attack of the Clones is George Lucas? mostly-successful attempt to apologize to the public after making a mess of a million childhoods with a movie called Star Wars Episode I. This, dear readers, is the big, bold, superfantasyactionspaceblockbuster that The Phantom Menace should have been. It?s far from perfect, but there?s definitely some redemption for George Lucas and the series at the end of this 2 and a half hour ride.

Here is what?s gloriously right with Episode II...The visuals. The images. The motion. The digitally projected, THX-certified sight and sound spectacular. I was beginning to think that I was finally 100% jaded by special effects, that I would never again witness something on a movie screen that made my jaw drop or my eyes pop out ever again. Thankfully, I was wrong. There are truly new and amazing things here--Anakin?s race through the cluttered urban skies of Coruscant, the sight of unnumerable Jedi lightsabers flailing against hordes of alien creatures, the surreally real unreality of the first battle in the Clone War, best described by a friend of a friend as ?like watching CNN footage of a planetary surface attack.? Seamless doesn?t begin to describe this stuff. Attack of the Clones? greatest achievement is in forging a complete fantasy world, totally unrestrained and dazzlingly outlandish in design and form and function. The last 45 minutes of the film are what action films are all about--riveting, delighting, and full of surprises that bring huge, stupid smiles to your face.

Here?s what?s still off with Episode II: The writing is poor. No, wait, strike that: the writing is piss poor. Not just the dialogue, which is clich?d and rote and frequently awkward, the obvious result of being holed up in a place called Skywalker Ranch for far too long, but the story and pacing as well. It?s rather baffling that, after the second installment in a trilogy about Anakin Skywalker?s fall into the Dark Side, we still know almost nothing about Anakin Skywalker?s fall into the Dark Side. This is a movie about secret visits to water planets, gladiatorial contests against giant praying mantises, and avoiding robots in a factory full of robots that make robots. Cool stuff, it turns out, but it sure leaves lots o? splainin? to do in Episode III.

Yes, the acting is bad, though not Yippee Jake Lloyd Mee-sa Wizard Ani! bad. Some will blame the actors. I blame the guy directing them. I wouldn?t be even a little bit surprised to hear that George Lucas only does one take per scene, not even realizing how silly Anakin?s angsty dead-eyed delivery of ?m?lady? came off, or how drop-dead hilarious Shmi Skywalker dropping dead looked on screen. Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman suffer the most from Lucas? folly, though they?re not as bad off as you?d expect from the trailers--their romantic scenes come across as innocuous filler, as opposed to the Jar-Jar-caliber deal-breaking dreck I was half-expecting. Only Ewan McGregor manages to make himself look like someone you?d want to hire for your own film.

The truth is, George Lucas is only half a director. Actually, to be more accurate, he?s one director split squarely in two, one part Orson Wells, and one part Ed Wood. The Orson Welles half is blessed with innovation of vision, an affinity for crafting sights unlike any the movie-watching world has seen before. The Ed Wood half is cursed with an unparalleled ineptitude in describing human interaction, and an ego the size of Naboo that prevents him from letting people more competent than he read his first drafts or edit his rough cuts.

Then along comes Yoda to wipe away all inequities.

So, yeah, I really freakin? enjoyed Episode II, though I?m honestly not sure how great a role the ?Low Expectations? Jedi Mind Trick played in my approval. A Star Wars film bears the unique burden of belonging to everyone, not just its creator--and whether you realize it or not, there?s already a complete, personalized version of Anakin?s Tale living in your head, a timeless myth that I guarantee is far more interesting, daring, and complete than the way cool collection of action scenes George Lucas made.