Stalin vs. Martians

By Will Herring
May 12, 2009 12:32 PM PST
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The Red Army meets the Red Planet -- what can go wrong? We give you a play-by-play of this "ambitious" RTS.

On paper, this game sounds like a million dollar idea. It's campy and hilarious in a good way. But it sounds like it just doesn't work in theory. In hindsight, combining ruthless aliens with a mass-murdering dictator probably wasn't such a good idea.

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00:00:00
greyscale: Been reviewing too many big-budget games, lately; was assigned Stalin Vs. Martians earlier today in a nice change of pace. Looking forward to something new and original from the indie crowd.

00:05:00
greyscale: Installing Stalin Vs. Martians as I type this - love the box-art, press release and the tongue-in-cheek sensibility surrounding it. Really hoping the game can live up to its premise - but how can you mess up Communism and aliens? Booting up, now...

00:10:00
greyscale: Just began the campaign and... am quite confused. Not "quirky, zany" confused - just confused. Stalin Vs. Martians has a standard RTS lay-out, graphics aren't anything to write home about, and constant blaring Euro-Trance music is giving me a bit of a headache. After dying a few times, resorted to the five-page .PDF manual. Didn't find any instructions on how to play the game other than directions on rotating the camera and unit descriptions. Probably missing something incredibly obvious - I'll boot it up again.

00:30:00
greyscale: Finished my first mission by selecting units, randomly clicking the "Attack" button, then watching Stalin's army gun down barrages of neon Martians. Dead Martians leave behind giant coins, used to buy reinforcements or get temporary power-ups (health restore, speed up, armor upgrade, etc.) Called in an entire army of Red Army tanks before taking down large, three-eyed Martians and apparently beat the level. Tutorial stage, maybe? We'll see.

00:50:00
greyscale: Frustrated. Constant frame-rate drops and slide-show presentation are really hampering the... experience. Tried to change the resolution, but only accessible options are minuscule changes such as "Invert Mouse" and "Do You Like Cats?" My feline appreciation doesn't seem to make the game run any smoother. Units don't seem to go where I want them to go, and constant, repetitive one-liners are making my eyes twitch. One option I can appreciate is toggling the volume off.