If Next-Gen Consoles were... Girls, Cars, Food (Page 1)

If Next-Gen Consoles were... Girls, Cars, Food

We describe what next-gen consoles would be like if they were magically transformed into a variety of things such as food and people. Why? Because we're bored. So come along with GamePro as we take a look at what next-gen consoles would be like if they were...

...girls

If Next-Gen Consoles were... Girls, Cars, Food?

The Wii is a cute girl with a terrific personality. She's funny, smart and witty and a lot of fun to be around. She's the type of girl who can hold her own with the boys; she can talk the talk and walk the walk but deep down, she's a good girl, the kind who'd bring you soup when you got sick. Offer to buy her a drink and she'd request a soda; sorry, she's here to have a good time, not get wasted. Some guys might scoff that she's not "hot enough" and admittedly, she's not as pretty as some other girls, but take the time to really get to know her and you'd see that she's got long-term relationship potential. Of course, you might also get bored with her and dump her to seek out someone a bit more exciting.

The Xbox 360 is a well-rounded girl who's equal parts smarts and beauty. She wears just enough make-up to compliment her features, dresses in a way that's sexy but not slutty and visits the salon regularly to maintain her look. She has a steady job, is well educated and has a variety of interests. She also has some issues and will break down every now and again but hey, no one's perfect.

The Sony PS3 is the insanely hot girl that you just know you have no shot at ever dating. A little cold and a little aloof, she's desirable in that "you're never gonna have me" sort of way. And yet, there's a small part of you that believes that she is attainable and if you play your cards right, she can be yours. You'll always wonder if you're good enough for her and other guys will jealously eye her up and down but no matter what happens, you're in for a hell of a ride. Strap yourselves in, boys.


...cars

If Next-Gen Consoles were... Girls, Cars, Food?

The Wii is a electric-hybrid vehicle. It's trendy, futuristic and utterly beloved by "hip" people; everyone wants one but demand's high and they're hard to find. It doesn't have the horsepower to blow the doors off another car in a drag race but people will turn their heads to catch a second glimpse as you drive by anyway. People who drive this vehicle have a tendency to act a little 'holier than thou' and they get into arguments with other car owners who snidely ask them why they didn't buy a "real car" instead.

The Xbox 360 is a sporty two-door with a high-performance engine. It's got a throaty roar and goes fast enough that you always have one eye on the lookout for cops as you floor it on the freeway. Despite this, it's also got enough room to comfortably seat a couple of friends, so it's easy to invite them out when you go for a drive. This kind of car is faster and more powerful than the average commuter but it's still affordable enough that you can swing it, especially since there are different models available at different price points.

The PS3 is the Ferrari, the Lamborgini, the Porsche -- it's expensive, powerful and exotic enough to impress non-car people. It has great performance but unfortunately, there just aren't enough places where you can unleash its true power. But when you do get the chance to push the engine to the redline, you're rewarded with an exhilarating roller coaster experience that'll make you glad someone invented the seat belt. But you'll pay a pretty price for all performance, so be careful when you look at the price tag or you might get whiplash.


...food

If Next-Gen Consoles were... Girls, Cars, Food?

The Wii is a hot pizza and a cold pitcher of beer, which is perfect for when you're hanging out with friends. Half the pizza features classic toppings like pepperoni and mushrooms while the other half is topped with strange and unique ingredients that may or may not taste good but still offers a new experience. The beer is a pilsner, crisp, light and delicious. Pass the napkins.

The Xbox 360 is the classic hamburger and fries -- you can never go wrong ordering this meal. But it's not some rinky-dink fast food burger: oh no, it's a hand-made patty made out of freshly ground sirloin. The fixings are fresh, the fries are hand-cut and everything is perfectly seasoned. Not too greasy, not too heavy and incredibly satisfying. Oh, you get three strips of thick, peppery bacon and cheese too.

The PS3 is a steak dinner at a quality steak house. You're definitely splurging a little when you sit down for this meal and it's not something you can do every damn night but what a meal it is: prime, well-aged beef, superb sides like garlic mash potatoes with truffle oil and fantastic appetizers. You have to order a nice bottle of wine and dessert afterwards. Just brace yourself for when the bill comes.

Comments [51]

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denveraic

Yeah, this was a weird article. But it was fresh, so I have props for that. It was something a little different for a slow news day. I don't mind.

the_storyteller

TouchyChaff2 wrote:

Dumb as shit....they do realize the PS3 and 360 are basically the same friggin machine? I prefer the "Hi im a Wii, and Im a PS3" video a little better....seems to hit it more on the head

why the hell r u upset? this was a funny article and ur pissed off at it.

TKK

the_storyteller wrote:

check out Tae Kim making a move on the ps3. haha

All she had to do was accept the rose and marry me. Now we'll never have little PS3's running around the house.

TKK

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