11 songs we'd never sing if it weren't for Rock Band (Page 2 of 2)

5. "Sabotage" -- Beastie Boys

Great song, not so great karaoke

Great song, not so great karaoke

Okay, I admit it: I went through a "rapper" phase during my youth. I'd write "dope rhymes" and "drop science" in my bedroom, all in a "funky fresh flow." Don't laugh--you all did it too. But then I came to my senses and realized that I didn't have "mad skillz."

This is, coincidentally, why my bills all go unpaid on a monthly basis. And it's also why I would never, in a million years, attempt to sing"Sabotoge" by the Beastie Boys. I just don't have the voice for it, especially if you consider the fact that the Beasties don't rap the song so much as they scream it. And it's no surprise that my voice comes out sounding like a drowning parrot screaming for help.

4. "Tom Sawyer" -- Rush

Even the South Park boys struggle with Rush.

Even the South Park boys struggle with Rush.

Look Geddy Lee, we know your lyrics are supposed to be really deep and all that garbage but why, oh why, must you sing like a castrated altar boy?

It's no coincidence that pre-pubescent boys and Fran Drescher can totally nail "Tom Sawyer" on expert, but where does that leave the rest of us? Oh yeah, thanking the higher power that our manhood is still intact.

It doesn't help that the lyrics to this track actually have nothing to do with adventures down the Mississippi River or school fights with miscreants; instead we get lyrics like "The world is the world is / Love and life are deep / Maybe as his skies are wide," and midsections that sound like Mannheim Steamroller on crack. Thanks Geddy.

3. "When You Were Young" -- The Killers

The guy on the left doesn't even want to be in the picture!

The guy on the left doesn't even want to be in the picture!

What happened to the Killers? I was half onboard with selected pop goodies like "Mr. Brightside" and the at-the-time-catchy but now I-wanna-crotchkick- myself-when-I-hear-it "Somebody Told Me." But the rest of their first album Hot Fuss would have been better titled Hot Turd. And their follow up Sam's Town was more like Sam's Down Syndrome ( I could go all day).

Put rightly by Pitchfork, "When You Were Young...reveals the unknown fact that aiming for Springsteen and missing even slightly results in Meat Loaf." The thing is, I actually like my Mom's meat loaf a little bit, something that unfortunately can't be said about this Killers song. Sorry, dudes.

2. "Wanted Dead or Alive" -- Bon Jovi

Anyone trying to sing like Jon ain't gonna look this pretty.

Anyone trying to sing like Jon ain't gonna look this pretty.

A butt-rock supreme dream best kept strictly to dreams. Like trying to emulate Axl Rose, you'll probably come off sounding like a complete idiot when attempting to belt like Jon Bon Jovi.

And if you actually see the lyrics on paper, you realize it's the epitome of cheeseball: "I walk these streets, a loaded six string on my back / I play for keeps, cause I might not make it back."

Lookout, ladies. He plays for keeps.

1. "Celebrity Skin" -- Hole

There's just not enough room in the caption box to say 1% of what I'm thinking.

There's just not enough room in the caption box to say 1% of what I'm thinking.

If Courtney Love came to my house and offered to perform live in my living room, I'd tell her I prefer the soothing sounds of shrilling cats having sex on a chalkboard.

Why do I dislike Hole so much? Perhaps it's that they annoyingly turned the departure of Kobain into radio success, or maybe it's Love's sleeper-hold on the rights to Nirvana's music that means we don't get authentic music to bio flicks about Kurt.

But more than anything it's the supreme lack of talent and Love's cursed vocal chords that make me want to stick a pin in my pee-hole every time I hear Celebrity Skin, let alone sing it in Rock Band.

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